*I'm going to share some tough stuff so consider this a warning. *
As every parent knows, there's a great deal of ritual involved in raising children. Each night when my husband and I put our son to bed we have our own special ritual. After we say our prayers, give kisses, and lay our son in his crib, we close the door, give each other "knuckles", and then proceed to "blow it up". Occassionally one of us will throw in a getto fabulous, "blow dat s*** up!", with swagger in tow. I'm certain this ritual goes on in homes across the U.S. every night. This is my life and I love it.
As every parent knows, there's a great deal of ritual involved in raising children. Each night when my husband and I put our son to bed we have our own special ritual. After we say our prayers, give kisses, and lay our son in his crib, we close the door, give each other "knuckles", and then proceed to "blow it up". Occassionally one of us will throw in a getto fabulous, "blow dat s*** up!", with swagger in tow. I'm certain this ritual goes on in homes across the U.S. every night. This is my life and I love it.
I had dinner with a new friend this week from my church. I was a little worried to hang out with her because she's super spiritual. I later found out that she's on staff and in charge of the women's ministry. I've tried to share my heart with folks but it's usually too much for them. I understand that, it's too much for me! She received me with absolute grace, love, and humility. I actually told her that I wasn't sure I would like her because I figured she would see me as her new "project". I was that way with people and I think it's arrogant. I just wanted a friend, that's all most people want. Her humility astounded me and after visiting for a while, she shared that she was going to pray that I would let go of what I'm "white knuckling". I have some control issues. The Lord apparently listens to this chic because I've been challenged lately to finally deal with some crud in my heart.
The last 6 months of 2004 were incredibly difficult and painful. Without sharing details, I got my heart broken by someone I really cared about, lost a friend or two, was encouraged to leave a ministry that I loved, and had my name slandered by a fellow believer. Less than three months later I was assaulted by a neighbor.*
~INTERMISSION:
I just put a lot out there. How ya doin'? Feel free to run and hide under the table. I'll be here when you get back.
~
The night I went to my neighbors party, I sat in my car and in my spirit I heard, "Don't go. Go home. Go home." I willfully stepped outside of God's protection and warning and I got hurt. My Lord was trying to protect me and my innocence; I fought Him and I lost.
I just put a lot out there. How ya doin'? Feel free to run and hide under the table. I'll be here when you get back.
~
The night I went to my neighbors party, I sat in my car and in my spirit I heard, "Don't go. Go home. Go home." I willfully stepped outside of God's protection and warning and I got hurt. My Lord was trying to protect me and my innocence; I fought Him and I lost.
There's a lot there that I could be "white knuckling" but there's something the Lord is showing me that I'm holding onto with a greater amount of anger and hurt. After the assault, I went to a friend (one of the friends who I had lost a few months back & later found out was slandering my name) and asked for help. All I received was coldness. The person wouldn't even look me in the eye. This is the root of my anger towards the Church and it's this anger that I'm "white knuckling". This individual was in leadership and someone who I actively cared about and loved. Any other person wouldn't have given the Enemy near the milage to hurt me. There is still shrapnel in my heart from that person's choices. A few years back I initiated communication with this person and received an apology in an email. I wrote the words "I forgive you" and I wanted it to be true but it wasn't. I'm still hurt and angry. My heart to forgive has nothing to do with this person however. I know I need to forgive but I've had a hard time doing that.
HOPE!!!
There's a verse in Joel 2:25 that says, "I will restore to you the the years the locust have eaten...". This text is such a blessing to me. The Lord "fleshed out" this verse by bringing Evan into my life at the end of 2004. My heart was bleeding and God used Evan to show me His healing and lovingkindness. Since then, something that my husband has repeated when my "stuff" comes out is, "Your problems are my problems. Your hurts are my hurts." What a blessed woman I am.
I saw the Lord's kindness in His warning that dreadful September night and I saw His kindness by bringing Evan to help heal the wounds that my own defiance brought about.
Our God is very present. When He speaks, it is to do good and not harm.
I saw the Lord's kindness in His warning that dreadful September night and I saw His kindness by bringing Evan to help heal the wounds that my own defiance brought about.
Our God is very present. When He speaks, it is to do good and not harm.
I pray that whatever you are "white knuckling" you would submit. I humbly ask for prayer that I might forgive one who my heart still holds anger and hurt towards these many years later. Too much damage has been done already and I don't want to be angry anymore. For those struggling with being unforgiving, I encourage you to ask for prayer.
I love the ritual my husband and I do at the end of the day. It represents a closure to the day and a time for us to enjoy each others company. Jesus wants to bring closure to hurt and anger in our lives. Jesus wants to "blow dat s*** up!" that you and I might deeply enjoy His company each and every day. I read that somewhere in Galatians. ;)
*As an addendum, I wanted to share that I filed charges against the man who assaulted me. The authorities placed him under arrest but unfortunately his time behind bars was short. My case was eventually dropped because of the lack of evidence. God is the One who judges. By His grace, I have been able to pray for that man and pray that his arrest frightened him enough to never hurt another woman again.
*As an addendum, I wanted to share that I filed charges against the man who assaulted me. The authorities placed him under arrest but unfortunately his time behind bars was short. My case was eventually dropped because of the lack of evidence. God is the One who judges. By His grace, I have been able to pray for that man and pray that his arrest frightened him enough to never hurt another woman again.
