It's been almost a year since I've started the Master's in Christian Studies Program. As I look back I'm left feeling a little lost. My first communications class, I had a talk prepared that I decided to tear up at the last minute and share about a season of great anger towards God and His great patience towards me. I used the word "pissed" several times which apparently is offensive and gave a half flipping-off gesture to fully demonstrate how angry I was at God. A half flipping-off gesture is when you only lift the lower part of your finger, not committing to the full extension. I literally saw mouths drop. I didn't commit to the fully extended "flip". God is working in my life and I think He was proud that I showed the self control! My talk was on how, life beating the crap out of you, can look one way when you're walking with God or look another when you are not. The season I shared that involved the half gesture was when I was not walking with God. I wanted to really drive the point home and I think I accomplished that.
My last class was on preaching and teaching. I was terrified. I fumbled, was way too demonstrative, and lost track of what I was saying but I never pulled a half gesture or used an expletive. Yipee! I think my classmates were disappointed though. They clapped as I went to my seat and told me that they all had bets on whether or not I would cus; several shared that they lost. I publicly rebuked them for their sin of gambling.
As I shared earlier, I'm feeling a little lost because I feel so completely inadequate to do anything for God. I know the right answer to that statement but I'm still thinking that I'm just going to screw things up and piss God off. I know that everyone messes up but I know how badly I can mess up and don't want to hurt anyone in the process. I don't want to dishonor God so my temptations is to do...nothing. That can't be right though.
I don't know what God wants for me. I'm not really concerned about that. I just want to submit to areas in my life that I am willingly rebelling against. Some of these areas, no one can even see but they are there. I have seen a glimpse of what my rebellious heart is capable off and it's terrifying. My rebellious heart is capable of damaging all my relationships. I've rebelled against God so much and because I love Him so much, I don't want my choices to make Him look bad. Does that make sense? I know God's glory is bigger than me. I'm just feeling a little confused. Thoughts? Please!
