Since my family and I have returned to church I have been reading my Bible more. Somedays I forget to read but at least I know where it is! Great success!! I'm reading Philippians and feel as though I'm reading it with fresh eyes. One thing I read the other day that has stayed with me is how Paul encouraged the Philippians to refrain from grumbling and disputing. I thought it was interesting that he pointed to that to show Christlikeness. Since then I've realized that I complain a lot. The problem isn't the complaining, it's my heart of impatience and entitlement.
I can see the Lord changing my heart in a few ways. One way I am changing is how I react to my neighbor who drives a stupid, loud, 4-wheeler. Any mother will tell you that all rules are off if you wake a sleeping baby. Luckily my son is a deep sleeper but the kid who lives across the street has woken him up a few times with his stupid, loud, 4-wheeler. I have come so very, very close to running out my front door with a skillet in one hand (to kill) and the baby monitor in the other screaming like a crazy person. I've plotted several missions that map out routes to nearby ponds but the Holy Spirit has kept me from highjacking and drowning his Christmas present. How is God working in my heart? Well, the 4-wheeler sits unscathed and the kid lives. That's as good as it gets.
I think patience is one of the toughest areas for me. I'm incredibly impatient with my computer. The battery is dead so if the plug comes out it turns off. My dog Cody has a toy chicken and when he wants to play he'll come running at me with it dangling from his mouth and ricochet off my leg. The problem is, he'll knock the cord out while in ricochet. I get so frustrated!
My prayer is to have a heart and mind set on gratitude and thanks. When I hear the 4-wheeler driving down the road I'll take a deep breathe and say a prayer focused on thanks and hopefully this will squish murderous thoughts. With God, all things are possible. I think a talking-to is in order as well.
In dealing with my computer, I think a new battery is in my future. In the mean time, if my dog Cody causes it to unplug, I will take a deep breathe and toss his chicken instead. Yes, you read that correctly.
My heart is continuing to draw nearer to the Lord even though I don't always spend time in His Word and want to steal Christmas presents from children. Thoughts?
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Friday, February 18, 2011
Jesus Crispy part deux
My friend Melissa Crawford and I became friends my freshman year in the Fall of 1996. We later became roommates and when she got engaged to her boyfriend Wes, I was honored to be a braid's-maid in her wedding. Melissa and I were ridiculous together. I remember going to an event for inner city kids and when it was over Melissa and I decided to act stupid. The event was in a gym and we thought it would be fun to run up to one of the padded walls, throw ourselves against it, and freeze like a chalk outline of a dead body. With our faces turned towards each other, eyes crossed, and tongues sticking out of the sides of our mouth, I yelled, "DROP AND ROLL!" We then started to roll across the gym floor. After rolling one direction for a while we got bored and started rolling the other direction. We rolled back and forth for around 2 hours laughing like demented hyenas. We weren't alone either; people were in the gym. I had so much fun with Melissa and I have so many great memories from that time in my life. My heart wasn't always in a great place however. My knowledge of the Bible was growing rapidly but I was incredibly legalistic. Discipline was my focus and all the Lord wanted was for me to rest in His grace as I rolled around a gym floor laughing like a demented hyena.
College Life was the college ministry at Denton Bible Church and it was amazing. The best part of college for me was College Life. I loved being active in Church but my heart was dealing with a lot of deception. I had begun to believe lies as to the character of God and who I was in relation to Him. I'm still dealing with some of those lies. The biggest lie was that God was always disappointed in me and that nothing I did was good enough. When there is a lie involved in your motivation to serve God, it makes it very difficult to navigate life in a healthy way.
It's amazing that a person can study so much Scripture and not learn a damn thing about God. I would spend hours in God's Word. My studies involved studying it, memorizing it, teaching it and having it taught to me. It's tricky because I was doing eternal things but I was doing them largely for self glory and praise. Isn't it wonderful that God uses us despite ourselves? Seriously. This is just another act of His amazing hand at work in His creation. He will use whomever and whatever to bring about His purposes. I wanted to honor God but my ego was the size of Montana. It's now about the size of Wyoming. Progress!!!
I was focusing on the wrong things. What I did was my identity. My goal was to be the Christian who was on the A-team (I pity da fool!) not the B-team. I wanted to be the one that everybody looked up to and the one everybody admired. Knowing God's Word was increasingly something to make me look good rather than something to deepen in my walk with God. I was so young. I felt defeated a lot. It was as if I had completely forgotten about God's grace. All of the energy spent trying to be on the A-team (Hey, sucka!) left me exhausted, though few saw it. Just to further reveal how jacked up I was, I commonly told myself that "I was without excuse because I had knowledge". That meant, I had no excuse for my sin because I knew God's Word. Clearly I was missing some key points. My life had little grace and little peace but I did have a lot of passion and a lot of drive. That's just not enough and I know that now.
I was talking to my friend Chris Stouden McQueen the other day and we were both sharing how we wanted more of the fruits of the Spirit in our lives. She made such an insightful comment, she said,"isn't it interesting that passion isn't one of the fruits of the Spirit? ". I thought that was interesting. Thoughts?
But first...
"I pity the fool who drinks soy milk."
one more...
"Hey, you with the teeth."
I cant stop.
"I'm Mr. T and I'm a Night Elf Mohawk! What's YOUR game?"
BAHAHAHAHAHA
Ok. Thoughts?
College Life was the college ministry at Denton Bible Church and it was amazing. The best part of college for me was College Life. I loved being active in Church but my heart was dealing with a lot of deception. I had begun to believe lies as to the character of God and who I was in relation to Him. I'm still dealing with some of those lies. The biggest lie was that God was always disappointed in me and that nothing I did was good enough. When there is a lie involved in your motivation to serve God, it makes it very difficult to navigate life in a healthy way.
It's amazing that a person can study so much Scripture and not learn a damn thing about God. I would spend hours in God's Word. My studies involved studying it, memorizing it, teaching it and having it taught to me. It's tricky because I was doing eternal things but I was doing them largely for self glory and praise. Isn't it wonderful that God uses us despite ourselves? Seriously. This is just another act of His amazing hand at work in His creation. He will use whomever and whatever to bring about His purposes. I wanted to honor God but my ego was the size of Montana. It's now about the size of Wyoming. Progress!!!
I was focusing on the wrong things. What I did was my identity. My goal was to be the Christian who was on the A-team (I pity da fool!) not the B-team. I wanted to be the one that everybody looked up to and the one everybody admired. Knowing God's Word was increasingly something to make me look good rather than something to deepen in my walk with God. I was so young. I felt defeated a lot. It was as if I had completely forgotten about God's grace. All of the energy spent trying to be on the A-team (Hey, sucka!) left me exhausted, though few saw it. Just to further reveal how jacked up I was, I commonly told myself that "I was without excuse because I had knowledge". That meant, I had no excuse for my sin because I knew God's Word. Clearly I was missing some key points. My life had little grace and little peace but I did have a lot of passion and a lot of drive. That's just not enough and I know that now.
I was talking to my friend Chris Stouden McQueen the other day and we were both sharing how we wanted more of the fruits of the Spirit in our lives. She made such an insightful comment, she said,"isn't it interesting that passion isn't one of the fruits of the Spirit? ". I thought that was interesting. Thoughts?
But first...
"I pity the fool who drinks soy milk."
one more...
"Hey, you with the teeth."
I cant stop.
"I'm Mr. T and I'm a Night Elf Mohawk! What's YOUR game?"
BAHAHAHAHAHA
Ok. Thoughts?
Friday, February 11, 2011
Jesus Crispy
I've joined a group called MOPS. It's an acronym for Mothers of Preschoolers. That's me! I have the sweetest, smartest, kindest, funniest, and most beautiful baby boy! I've never been more proud of anything as I am to be the Mother to this incredible gift. Well, I went to my second meeting this week and really enjoyed it. I can be rather critical and cynical but I'm getting better. I didn't know what to expect walking into a group of predominately Christian Mothers. I had the chance to be negative on my first visit when the leader said that next week we would be making Valentine's cards.
Pause for reaction.
What am I...FIVE? I literally LOL'ed because I thought she was kidding. I looked around and no one else was laughing. I had a better idea. How 'bout I rustle us up some mimosas and we sit around convincing each other that being controlling is a spiritual gift! No? Ok, then bring on the glitter and paste. Is that a bedazzler I see? I behaved myself though because I really like these MOPS. I thought, even though this is really stupid I will have a good attitude. It was a small victory in my heart. Turns out I really enjoyed making the cards and I had a few laughs with the ladies at my table. We didn't actually use glitter or a bedazzler (single tear).
I hate how cynical my heart has become. When I was young I had zero cynicism. I was sheltered which is what happens when you're always at church and around other Christians. I became a Christian when I was 11. When I was 14 I started going to Denton Bible Church and it was on! I put verses around my room, memorized Scripture, shared the gospel and did other Christians things as well. I also started a Bible study in my High School. I loved doing that. I didn't know what I was doing but I loved it. I would occasionally have guest speakers who were in my Pastor's, Young Guns program. We just called them Program Guys. They were typically young, hot men who came from all over to study the Bible with my Pastor, Tom Nelson. I would later form at least 12,000 crushes on the men who came through The Program.
I was in to all things Jesus. I can have an obsessive drive when I want to. Like a lot of new believers, I was VERY black and white. Has anyone noticed that life beating the crap out of you plays a huge role in understanding human nature, God, and His Word? The more often you treat God and His grace like shit, the more grateful and shocked you are when He gives it to you (that statement could sum up my testimony btw). Of course it would be much better not to treat God and His grace like shit in the first place but I'm a lulu head. As I think back I recall getting a lot of attention for being "on fire" for Jesus. We need to be careful with how we encourage one another and our youth. All the encouragement left me thinking I was a pretty big deal. I was on my way to becoming someone I wouldn't even want to talk to today. How do you think we should encourage one another so that we don't enable self-righteousness? I've got a few ideas but I really don't know. I also don't know if I'm supposed to capitalize all the Christianese I write. Thoughts?
Jesus Crispy~|ˈjēzəs| |ˈkrispē|
noun
professing Christianity while wearing an ichthus somewhere on one's person.
adjective
of, relating to, the descriptive word my friend Joy made up when we met 12 years ago: "You're so Jesus Crispy Ash!"
Pause for reaction.
What am I...FIVE? I literally LOL'ed because I thought she was kidding. I looked around and no one else was laughing. I had a better idea. How 'bout I rustle us up some mimosas and we sit around convincing each other that being controlling is a spiritual gift! No? Ok, then bring on the glitter and paste. Is that a bedazzler I see? I behaved myself though because I really like these MOPS. I thought, even though this is really stupid I will have a good attitude. It was a small victory in my heart. Turns out I really enjoyed making the cards and I had a few laughs with the ladies at my table. We didn't actually use glitter or a bedazzler (single tear).
I hate how cynical my heart has become. When I was young I had zero cynicism. I was sheltered which is what happens when you're always at church and around other Christians. I became a Christian when I was 11. When I was 14 I started going to Denton Bible Church and it was on! I put verses around my room, memorized Scripture, shared the gospel and did other Christians things as well. I also started a Bible study in my High School. I loved doing that. I didn't know what I was doing but I loved it. I would occasionally have guest speakers who were in my Pastor's, Young Guns program. We just called them Program Guys. They were typically young, hot men who came from all over to study the Bible with my Pastor, Tom Nelson. I would later form at least 12,000 crushes on the men who came through The Program.
I was in to all things Jesus. I can have an obsessive drive when I want to. Like a lot of new believers, I was VERY black and white. Has anyone noticed that life beating the crap out of you plays a huge role in understanding human nature, God, and His Word? The more often you treat God and His grace like shit, the more grateful and shocked you are when He gives it to you (that statement could sum up my testimony btw). Of course it would be much better not to treat God and His grace like shit in the first place but I'm a lulu head. As I think back I recall getting a lot of attention for being "on fire" for Jesus. We need to be careful with how we encourage one another and our youth. All the encouragement left me thinking I was a pretty big deal. I was on my way to becoming someone I wouldn't even want to talk to today. How do you think we should encourage one another so that we don't enable self-righteousness? I've got a few ideas but I really don't know. I also don't know if I'm supposed to capitalize all the Christianese I write. Thoughts?
Jesus Crispy~|ˈjēzəs| |ˈkrispē|
noun
professing Christianity while wearing an ichthus somewhere on one's person.
adjective
of, relating to, the descriptive word my friend Joy made up when we met 12 years ago: "You're so Jesus Crispy Ash!"
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Where I am
I have returned to the Church. I stopped going in 2004. For some of you my returning is confusing, for some it sounds brave, and for others it sounds boring. I feared being judged and misunderstood. I actually tried going to a few churches since then but it didn't work out. I recall a situation in a bible study where a person was talking about tithing and that if it wasn't exactly 10% that the person was in sin. My husband sat beside me gently rubbing my back as I asked her why. Nothing about Christ was mentioned in her answer. Nothing about acknowledging the Giver. Nothing about the heart. I told her that everything she was saying was "pissing me off" and that a person could actually be in sin by giving 10% in their tithe. I've had some struggles and my heart has been really angry. I don't think that what I said was wrong. The lack of lovingkindness and grace was the problem; for both of us.
In my experience, sharing struggles is a lot easier when they're struggles that everybody else has. It's harder to be honest with struggles that are ugly. The uglier the struggle, the less people want to share. This is where shame can creep up. Addiction is acceptable in certain areas. It can't be cigarettes. Among other things, I struggled with smoking while still very active in the church. I lived in Paris for a summer and it's there that my habit began. Soon after I left the church, I stopped struggling and just did it. Praise God I no longer smoke. I still have tons of other stuff I need to surrender but smoking is no longer one of them. Seriously, Praise God. That was tough.
In my experience, sharing struggles is a lot easier when they're struggles that everybody else has. It's harder to be honest with struggles that are ugly. The uglier the struggle, the less people want to share. This is where shame can creep up. Addiction is acceptable in certain areas. It can't be cigarettes. Among other things, I struggled with smoking while still very active in the church. I lived in Paris for a summer and it's there that my habit began. Soon after I left the church, I stopped struggling and just did it. Praise God I no longer smoke. I still have tons of other stuff I need to surrender but smoking is no longer one of them. Seriously, Praise God. That was tough.
I have a potty mouth. I feel it's appropriate potty mouthness though. It bothers me that a word can get so much attention and a persons heart can get none. It bothers me that someone may have just said a 4 letter word in their car but if they hear me say it in the Church parking lot, I get the stink eye. One could say that I would do the same if I heard someone "cuss" in the church parking lot but I have to disagree. I would probably laugh and want to hang out with them. So what is all this? This is one area of my life and heart right now. Is my potty mouth a problem? Maybe, but is the issue my mouth or my heart? I have a very rebellious heart. I don't think that everyone who uses expletives has a rebellious heart or that I am necessarily rebelling when I use them (sometimes a 4 letter word really drives the point home). But the fact remains that my heart is rebellious and it comes out in different ways.
Evan and I started back to church last November (2010). Our son has had a lot to do with that. I have had little to no fellowship with other believers and my cup has been empty for a while now. I've missed it so much. I am now trying to spend at least 15 minutes reading my bible everyday. My walk with the Lord has been an interesting one. We've gone through a lot together, God and I. I want to share my story but it's not always pretty. I'm just warning you. It ranges from hypocrisy to brokenness, drug addiction to rehab, miscarriages to motherhood, and owning a successful company to joblessness. The beauty that is weaved throughout all the struggle is a love story between two people. Evan and I dated for a month, got engaged and married 6 months later. Best decision I ever made. Throughout all of this, my husband and I have deepened in our love for each other and now we want to deepen in our love for the Lord together.
I feel as though I have gone to the depths and behold, He was there. As the movie says, "we all have our stories"*. We've all experienced pain. Most people become bitter when wounded. Lots of people stay bitter. As believers we have a hope and clinging to that hope is where we see Christ shine. I'm not trying to be a hero. I'm terrifyingly aware of how quickly life can cause me to sink. I just want to encourage. I still have bitterness and pain that I'm working through but I also have hope . Let's all struggle well with His truth and rest peacefully in His grace.
"In all such things and in like perils and hardships, you behold my trembling heart. Over and over, I feel my wounds, not so much as inflicted upon me, but rather as healed by you."
-Augustine
* Movie lines will show up often in these blogs. If you guess the movie God will love you more.
Evan and I started back to church last November (2010). Our son has had a lot to do with that. I have had little to no fellowship with other believers and my cup has been empty for a while now. I've missed it so much. I am now trying to spend at least 15 minutes reading my bible everyday. My walk with the Lord has been an interesting one. We've gone through a lot together, God and I. I want to share my story but it's not always pretty. I'm just warning you. It ranges from hypocrisy to brokenness, drug addiction to rehab, miscarriages to motherhood, and owning a successful company to joblessness. The beauty that is weaved throughout all the struggle is a love story between two people. Evan and I dated for a month, got engaged and married 6 months later. Best decision I ever made. Throughout all of this, my husband and I have deepened in our love for each other and now we want to deepen in our love for the Lord together.
I feel as though I have gone to the depths and behold, He was there. As the movie says, "we all have our stories"*. We've all experienced pain. Most people become bitter when wounded. Lots of people stay bitter. As believers we have a hope and clinging to that hope is where we see Christ shine. I'm not trying to be a hero. I'm terrifyingly aware of how quickly life can cause me to sink. I just want to encourage. I still have bitterness and pain that I'm working through but I also have hope . Let's all struggle well with His truth and rest peacefully in His grace.
"In all such things and in like perils and hardships, you behold my trembling heart. Over and over, I feel my wounds, not so much as inflicted upon me, but rather as healed by you."
-Augustine
* Movie lines will show up often in these blogs. If you guess the movie God will love you more.
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