Sniffin' glue

I always have a good time when I go to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) but the activities usually aren't up my alley.   The last class was interesting because it was on self-defense, but the next class is on "Clippin' Coupons".  I'm really not trying to be a jerk but...really?  Coupons?  Do I need to start sniffing glue before I go?  I know that it's important  to save money but I just want to hang out and talk.  I've been so pleasantly surprised at how great everyone is and I even made a friend!  Instead of thinking about how unfun it is to discuss coupons, I'll think, I get to laugh with my friend!!!   I should probably pack some glue just in case.

I realized that my new friend was pretty cool when I accidently said the "f" word in front of her (and a few other MOPS) and she didn't run off and hide under the tables (as per usual).   I've got a few rough edges but my language actually isn't my biggest concern.  My heart and mind are where I need help.  Goal #1: To only use the "f"word at church functions with home-makers when absolutely necessary.                     SELF-CONTROL!!! AWESOME!!! (prayer cheer)

The reason I started blogging was because I've experienced being the Christian who was always in church and the Christian who wanted to tell other Christians to piss off.   I've learned a lot being in both camps and I'm grateful to have started walking in a little more grace lately.  From my experience, people who are active in church might very well just be that, active.  What about the believer who hasn't been "active" in church but has seen dark days and has come so close to punting the faith but stuck it out and trusted even though they were scared, angry, and hurt?   What about the believer whose prayer life looks like screaming at God while knowing He is the only hope?  Now, imagine that believer going to a bible study with active church-goers who may have never been in a place of spiritual desperation.  God could use that believer so mightily!

What I'm suggesting is that the person who hasn't been the "perfect", church attending Christian has so much to give!   The reality is, we all need work!   I need to be kind and loving to the sugary sweet Southern belle in church (everywhere) who I want to punch in the neck because she seems completely fake.  I need to get over my ego that thinks that because I use expletives that I'm somehow more authentic than she is.  The Southern belle, whose been in church her whole life, might need to deal with areas of manipulation and judgement.  We all need the Lord and we all need work.

So, for those of you who have put your faith is Jesus Christ but won't set foot in a church, for whatever reason, get thee to church! Those church-goers need you!!  They need to see the power of Christ and God wants to use you to show them that power.  I understand if you're angry or scared - go angry or scared.  The Church is incomplete without you because the Church is a family and you are in that family.   Having recently returned to church,  I'm reminded that God wants His children to love each other.  This can be done by giving a warm smile to someone who looks angry or scared.  I've actually known quit a few angry and scared church folk.  Some of you who aren't going to church need to be that warm smile for someone.   If I see someone sitting alone, I need to invite them to sit with me.   This is called kindness.  The Bible says that it's Christ's kindness that leads to repentance.   This is so fresh to my heart because it's something I battle.  I feel twinges of cynicism often but it's because my focus is in the wrong place.  If my focus starts and stops with people and their behavior, I will constantly be critical and frustrated.  But if I love because "He first loved us"(1 John 4:19), behavior has less to do with the kindness and love that I show.

I know a lot of people have felt judged by others in the Church and I've felt that too but I've actually been given a lot of grace from church folk.   I'm out of time here but I'll share some stuff later that may encourage you.   Listen, we're all jacked up but if I can drop the "f" bomb in a group of predominately home-schooling Christian home-makers and still show my face,  you can get your ass to church.

All love - No judgement - Brannon out

His fault, not mine

I am so bad at blaming my husband for anything that goes wrong.  I may not say it but I'm thinking it.  I was alone last week and opened a ketchup packet that went everywhere.  It took me a good twenty minutes to convince myself that it wasn't my husband's fault.  He wasn't even in the car!  Evan puts up with a lot.   I'll be thinking about something and finish the thought out-loud and then expect him to know what the heck I'm talking about.  When he looks at me like I have an arm growing out of my forehead I get irritated because he clearly wasn't listening.  Here is a common scenario:  My sister Angela might send me a text saying "When you coming to Texas?"  I will then look at Evan and say, "I think mid April would be perfect."  This is when the arm begins to grow out of my head.  A common phrase in our home is, "what are we talking about?".   He's also had to learn to speak Ashley.  I tend to confuse my words.   Evan is always asking me where stuff is.   In my head, I'll be telling him to look in his closet for the lost item but if I have recently used the microwave, I'll tell him to look in the microwave.  

Evan- Where are my shoes?

Me -Look in the microwave. 

Evan- What? 

Me- (irritated) You know what I mean!

Evan- So....where?

Me- The closet!!

His fault, not mine.  He should be speaking crazy...I mean Ashley, by now.   My husband and I are perfect together.   We're both stubborn but somehow apologies are made and all is well.  Since Evan and I have returned to church we've had some good conversations about the Lord.    Something that we both really value in people is honesty.  We've been having a continued discussion on honesty and how unity can be born out of it.  We've also been discussing how pastors influence honesty and unity in the Church.  

In the summer of 2001 I lived in Paris.  My friend Whitney was also in France getting school credit for being awesome in France. She was in law school at the time.  She was actually in Strasbourg which is right on the French/ German border.  One weekend, I was able to take a beautiful train ride from Paris to Strasbourg to meet Whit.  She and I, along with some classmates, then took a train through the Black Forrest to Baden Baden, Germany.  Germany is very clean, beautiful, and expensive.

I have so many great memories of sitting in cafes journaling, sipping espresso, and smoking very romantic French cigarettes.  Oh, the romance of it all!  Paris, cafe's, smoking, it was a package deal in my mind.  Little did I know that that "romance" would turn into a hard core habit.  Up until a year and a half ago, I smoked off and on for 8 years.  I would go 6 months without smoking and then something would happen and I would buy a pack of cigarettes.  Well, in the Spring of 2004 I was dealing with a relapse.  My mentor knew about my struggle as did the people I served with at the church but the young lady I discipled didn't know.   One afternoon when she was scheduled to come over, I had had a few cigarettes.  As I prepared for her visit I became incredibly convicted to share my struggle with her.  I didn't want to!!!  I was in a position of authority in the church and I felt like crap already for dealing with this disgusting habit!  I was embarrassed and didn't want to ruin the image she had of me.  By the time she got there,  I knew what I had to do.  With tears rolling down my face, I shared my struggle.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed but Kristen responded with absolute grace and love.  God greatly used that to bless our relationship and our time in His Word.   My ego took a hit but we both learned a lesson in grace that afternoon that still blesses my heart.

When it comes to areas of the heart, discernment is key.  Discernment and blood flow.  I don't think anyone needs to be transparent with everyone regarding everything.   My concern is how fear and pride hold us back from being honest with God and with the Body of Christ.  A congregation follows the lead of their Shepherd.   How would it affect the Church if more pastors were relatable in their struggles?  How would that affect others in leadership? Would we, as believers, be more honest with one another?  Would we be less judgmental and more understanding of one another?   If perfection is expected of our pastors, we need to take another hard look at Scripture.  Our pastors are not perfect.  I'm beginning to think that if more pastors shared appropriate struggle with their congregation, the Church would be challenged in areas of grace, forgiveness, and even idolatry.  I know how easy it is to show greater honor and worship to a pastor than to Jesus Christ.   My whole point revolves around unity in the Church and our absolute NEED for Christ.  Thoughts?

"There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future."
-St. Augustine 

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed."
James 5:16

Fire Marshal Bill

Being a Mother is so much better than I thought it would be and I thought it would be awesome.  If people saw me interacting with my son during the day they would think I was crazy.  Does anyone remember the Dad in So I married an Axe Murderer?  Well, I like to dance like him in the kitchen.   l also like to talk like Ace Ventura and quote movie lines to my infant child.   My husband and I do the same thing with each other.  Our favorite is imitating Fire Marshal Bill from In Living Color, "LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHING".   There was a day last week when every time my son would cough he would toot at the same time.  I don't care who you are...that's funny.  I made up a song called Coughs and Toots.  Most of the songs I make up involve toots.  He likes broccoli.   My son is the sweetest gift I have ever been given.

The love and joy that I have in my son is doing sweet things in my heart.   My heart has had a difficult time seeing God as a loving Father.   I can imagine Jesus thinking, "what more can I do for her to see that I love her?".  When I was serving in the college ministry at Denton Bible Church, my heart wasn't in a great place.  For the record, the problem wasn't the ministry, it was my heart.   I was exhausted and peace was scarce.   My friend Melissa saw my struggle and was such an encouragement.  She had just read a book called Desiring God by John Piper. Jesus used this book to begin changing my heart.   Piper points to, and writes about Scripture in a way that helped me wrap my head around God's love in a deeper way.

Someone who I believe to be a king of encouragement is my High School Youth Director, Keith Chancey.   I would visit him and his wife, Karen, on occasion after I graduated.  When God started to show me how distant my relationship was with Him,  I started pulling away from ministry. I thought that I needed to quit everything to refocus my focus.  During this period,  Keith discouraged me from quitting everything, but instead, to serve as a leader in the High School ministry.  After praying about it and realizing that a boy I liked was serving there, I decided he was right.  Turns out, he was very, very right.   The relationships that I built while serving in the High School ministry are still special to me.   I became best friends with Whitney Blake on the car ride up to the leadership retreat.  We laughed the whole way and I literally said to her, "Let's be best friends!" and she said "OK!".  That girl has stuck with me through some tough times over the last 11 years;  I'm so thankful for her.    My heart was starting to struggle with the right things and I was surrounded by people who, I felt, loved and understood me.