I believed in Santa Clause till I was 11 years old. I know. My dad actually sat me down and told me that there was no Santa Clause. Being the brainiac that I was, I looked up at him with tears in my eyes (seriously) and said, "I guess that means there's no Easter Bunny either?" I was heartbroken. I know I was too old to believe in Santa Clause but I didn't kiss a boy till I was almost 24...I'm just weird.
Having my rose colored glasses taken away from me that day was just the beginning. The biggest difference in my life today verses 10 years ago is how I view humanity. I am certain that no one has "it" all together. When people share struggles, I'm usually not shocked because life is hard and walking with Jesus isn't easy. It is His love that compels us. Anything less won't stand against life's beatings.
Last month I shared that due to financial struggles, my husband and I had to sell our home. A lot of folks had to do that the last few years. The move was sad because we were losing our first home and because we built great relationships with other couples who were also starting a family. We made some really great friends there. The same month we found out I was pregnant and the next month we found out that the twins I was carrying didn't have a heartbeat. That was rough. Along with being broke, a few other painful things happened during this time that I don't feel comfortable sharing. Those things almost cost me my faith.
I also wrote last month that I felt like God was punishing me. I fully believed this even though it was an absolute lie. I thought God was punishing me for not being in Church and for not serving in the Church like I once had. That lie had great impact on me. My husband shared similar feelings of being punished because of poor life choices in his younger years. Our relationship with God during this time was bad.
I've heard people say that they felt the closest to God when they were experiencing pain. I didn't feel that way. I felt abandoned, angry, and abused. I had the biggest fights with God during that season. We tried going to Church but Evan and I were so beat up and hurt that it was hard to relate to other Christians. I went through a real season of anger and I felt like a different person. I was that miserable lady you see in line at the grocery store. I had a constant sadness upon me. As angry and hurt as I was, I couldn't turn away from my Lord. I yelled at Him a lot but I didn't turn away. There was one Scripture that I said as a prayer. Even with a lot of bitterness, deep in my bones I couldn't escape knowing that what this Scripture proclaimed was Truth. It was Psalms 121:
"I will lift my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever. "
I believe that God used this Scripture to keep me from going mad. Another huge blessing during that season was how much Evan and I loved each other. All of that pain only brought us closer together. Even while we suffered a second miscarriage a year later, we stayed a team.
Having my rose colored glasses taken away from me that day was just the beginning. The biggest difference in my life today verses 10 years ago is how I view humanity. I am certain that no one has "it" all together. When people share struggles, I'm usually not shocked because life is hard and walking with Jesus isn't easy. It is His love that compels us. Anything less won't stand against life's beatings.
Last month I shared that due to financial struggles, my husband and I had to sell our home. A lot of folks had to do that the last few years. The move was sad because we were losing our first home and because we built great relationships with other couples who were also starting a family. We made some really great friends there. The same month we found out I was pregnant and the next month we found out that the twins I was carrying didn't have a heartbeat. That was rough. Along with being broke, a few other painful things happened during this time that I don't feel comfortable sharing. Those things almost cost me my faith.
I also wrote last month that I felt like God was punishing me. I fully believed this even though it was an absolute lie. I thought God was punishing me for not being in Church and for not serving in the Church like I once had. That lie had great impact on me. My husband shared similar feelings of being punished because of poor life choices in his younger years. Our relationship with God during this time was bad.
I've heard people say that they felt the closest to God when they were experiencing pain. I didn't feel that way. I felt abandoned, angry, and abused. I had the biggest fights with God during that season. We tried going to Church but Evan and I were so beat up and hurt that it was hard to relate to other Christians. I went through a real season of anger and I felt like a different person. I was that miserable lady you see in line at the grocery store. I had a constant sadness upon me. As angry and hurt as I was, I couldn't turn away from my Lord. I yelled at Him a lot but I didn't turn away. There was one Scripture that I said as a prayer. Even with a lot of bitterness, deep in my bones I couldn't escape knowing that what this Scripture proclaimed was Truth. It was Psalms 121:
"I will lift my eyes to the mountains; from whence shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever. "
I believe that God used this Scripture to keep me from going mad. Another huge blessing during that season was how much Evan and I loved each other. All of that pain only brought us closer together. Even while we suffered a second miscarriage a year later, we stayed a team.
I don't know why all of that happened. There are a few things I believe strongly now because it did happen however. I believe that God's Word is very important because the Enemy's always at work with his lies. I also believe that being connected with other believers is crucial. Prayer, accountability, truth, love, and encouragement in the Lord are necessary for walking faithfully with our God. I now see the offense and damage in my checking-out of the Church. I have apologized to my Lord and I am now apologizing to my fellow believers in Christ. I am sorry that I bailed on the Church dear brothers and sisters in Christ, please forgive me. If Evan and I had been in Church, I am certain that the lies I believed would've been greatly challenged for our good and God's glory.
Most importantly, I strongly believe that my Savior, Jesus Christ, kicks ass. The biggest ass-kicking occurred a long time ago when Christ looked death in the eye and walked out of the grave. Dang skippy.
My prayer in sharing all of this is to encourage other believers in the Lord. We have an incredibly gracious, long suffering God. If you have checked-out I encourage you to check back in. If you're angry, hurt, or all together f***ed up, Christ has seen it all and you are not going to shock Him. His grace is sufficient for those who believe. What a wonderful God we serve.
Most importantly, I strongly believe that my Savior, Jesus Christ, kicks ass. The biggest ass-kicking occurred a long time ago when Christ looked death in the eye and walked out of the grave. Dang skippy.
My prayer in sharing all of this is to encourage other believers in the Lord. We have an incredibly gracious, long suffering God. If you have checked-out I encourage you to check back in. If you're angry, hurt, or all together f***ed up, Christ has seen it all and you are not going to shock Him. His grace is sufficient for those who believe. What a wonderful God we serve.
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