God showed up

Something I love to do in my marriage is end arguments with the statement: "You're right.  I'm wrong and I'm sorry."  I'm confused, I meant to say "hate" in that last sentence.    I'm very stubborn most of the time.  I find that I do well with humility at night...when I'm asleep!

Something I'm not proud to admit is that I don't pray on my knees very often.  My family and I had a big scare last week however that got me on my knees fast.  Without getting into details, unexpected events occurred that involved a judge making a decision that was very painful for my family.  For the first time in way too long, I got on my knees and made some serious supplications.   The next day the judge called a meeting.   My family was completely on edge.  We continued to pray (beg). 

In that meeting, the judge reversed her own judgement.

WTFW (WHAT THA FORREST WHITAKER!!!!!)

Apparently the judge has never done that...EVER.  The decision to reverse her own judgement changed everything for my family.  

The shock that we experienced both overjoyed and humbled us.  God is very present.  He knocked us on our tail last week with that Truth.  My faith can look more distant than personal unfortunately but the movement of God's hand in this situation has blown me away.  I'm still in shock.   

I learned a big lesson and it's regarding my will.  Time and again, I see that when I submit to the Lord, peace follows.  This is so contrary to my nature.  I want to control and over-think everything.  Submitting my heart, mind, and will to God is often way down on my list.  It's gross and it's the very opposite of what I claim to believe.  There was nothing to figure out regarding the events that occurred last week however.  All we could do was pray and we were praying about things that had already been decided.   It was terrifying, it was awful, and I hated it.  Guess who showed up?  God answered our prayers and He said yes.   

What amazes me about God is that He never gives up on His children.  There's a scene in Forrest Gump when Lt. Dan has his fist to God, cursing Him during a violent storm.   I think we've all been there.  I know I have.  I wasn't leg-less (thank ya Jesus) hanging off a boat but I was weeping and screaming in my car.   When things are super crappy, He is present and He loves us (though we may not feel that He does).   The continued lesson the Lord teaches me is that He wants me to trust His ways even when everything is crap.   That's not easy for me though.  I need to spend more time on my knees in prayer.  

I am grateful for the love and mercy God has shown me and my family.  God knows that life is hard.   He wants us to trust Him and to obey Him.  He wants us to walk in peace and we won't if we continue in stubborn shenanigans (yeah, i said it.).  Let's all struggle well in His grace and stop being such horses pa-toots (visualize Chris Farley falling on a table).  

I have read in Plato and Cicero sayings that are wise and very beautiful; but I have never read in either of them: Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden.

-St. Augustine

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.

-Isaiah 41:10

"Blow it up!"

*I'm going to share some tough stuff so consider this a warning. *

As every parent knows, there's a great deal of ritual involved in raising children.   Each night when my husband and I put our son to bed we have our own special ritual.  After we say our prayers, give kisses, and lay our son in his crib, we close the door, give each other "knuckles", and then proceed to "blow it up".   Occassionally one of us will throw in a getto fabulous, "blow dat s*** up!", with swagger in tow.   I'm certain this ritual goes on in homes across the U.S. every night.   This is my life and I love it.

I had dinner with a new friend this week from my church.  I was a little worried to hang out with her because she's super spiritual.  I later found out that she's on staff and in charge of the women's ministry.    I've tried to share my heart with folks but it's usually too much for them.  I understand that, it's too much for me!  She received me with absolute grace, love, and humility.  I actually told her that I wasn't sure I would like her because I figured she would see me as her new "project".  I was that way with people and I think it's arrogant.  I just wanted a friend, that's all most people want.   Her humility astounded me and after visiting for a while, she shared that she was going to pray that I would let go of what I'm "white knuckling".  I have some control issues.   The Lord apparently listens to this chic because I've been challenged lately to finally deal with some crud in my heart.  

The last 6 months of 2004 were incredibly difficult and painful.  Without sharing details, I got my heart broken by someone I really cared about, lost a friend or two, was encouraged to leave a ministry that I loved, and had my name slandered by a fellow believer.   Less than three months later I was assaulted by a neighbor.*

~INTERMISSION:

I just put a lot out there.  How ya doin'?  Feel free to run and hide under the table.  I'll be here when you get back.

~

The night I went to my neighbors party, I sat in my car and in my spirit I heard, "Don't go.  Go home. Go home."  I willfully stepped outside of God's protection and warning and I got hurt.  My Lord was trying to protect me and my innocence; I fought Him and I lost.  

There's a lot there that I could be "white knuckling" but there's something the Lord is showing me that I'm holding onto with a greater amount of anger and hurt.  After the assault, I went to a friend (one of the friends who I had lost a few months back & later found out was slandering my name) and asked for help.  All I received was coldness.  The person wouldn't even look me in the eye.  This is the root of my anger towards the Church and it's this anger that I'm "white knuckling".  This individual was in leadership and someone who I actively cared about and loved.  Any other person wouldn't have given the Enemy near the milage to hurt me.  There is still shrapnel in my heart from that person's choices.  A few years back I initiated communication with this person and received an apology in an email.  I wrote the words "I forgive you" and I wanted it to be true but it wasn't.  I'm still hurt and angry.   My heart to forgive has nothing to do with this person however.  I know I need to forgive but I've had a hard time doing that.  

HOPE!!!

There's a verse in Joel 2:25 that says, "I will restore to you the the years the locust have eaten...".  This text is such a blessing to me.  The Lord "fleshed out" this verse by bringing Evan into my life at the end of 2004.  My heart was bleeding and God used Evan to show me His healing and lovingkindness.  Since then, something that my husband has repeated when my "stuff" comes out is, "Your problems are my problems. Your hurts are my hurts."  What a blessed woman I am.

I saw the Lord's kindness in His warning that dreadful September night and I saw His kindness by bringing Evan to help heal the wounds that my own defiance brought about.

Our God is very present.  When He speaks, it is to do good and not harm.  

I pray that whatever you are "white knuckling" you would submit.   I humbly ask for prayer that I might forgive one who my heart still holds anger and hurt towards these many years later.  Too much damage has been done already and I don't want to be angry anymore.   For those struggling with being unforgiving, I encourage you to ask for prayer.  

I love the ritual my husband and I do at the end of the day.  It represents a closure to the day and a time for us to enjoy each others company.   Jesus wants to bring closure to hurt and anger in our lives.   Jesus wants to "blow dat s*** up!" that you and I might deeply enjoy His company each and every day.   I read that somewhere in Galatians.  ;)

*As an addendum, I wanted to share that I filed charges against the man who assaulted me.  The authorities placed him under arrest but unfortunately his time behind bars was short.  My case was eventually dropped because of the lack of evidence.  God is the One who judges. By His grace, I have been able to pray for that man and pray that his arrest frightened him enough to never hurt another woman again.   

Pea-Pie?

When I lived in Texas I thought I lived in the South; that was before I moved to Tennessee.  I now consider myself living in the South.  I've heard expressions here that I have never heard before.  Some of these expression I have adopted as my own being the Southern Belle that I am.  I've learned that I have a very literal translation of language when I hear it which is surprising because I'm always up for a good metaphor and I'm a total smart-ass.  Since I've started trotting my son about town, I've noticed that women love to play peek-a-boo with him.  Instead of saying "peek-a-boo", however, they say "pea-pie".  They do this in a pitch that causes my left eye to twitch.  After hearing this expression over and over again, I pulled Evan aside and asked, "Is there an actual pea pie? Like, a pie filled with peas?" I was completely serious.  Evan started laughing and confessed that he didn't know what pea-pie meant either.  I was getting nervous that people were saying pee-pie...that's just wrong.  I was on a quest for truth! What are people saying and why????  I finally got my answer, and you guessed it, I found it at Red Lobster.   I was at Red Lobster having lunch when I discovered that people were saying "peep-eye".   Now that makes sense to me!  I can work with that!   It sounds weird and a little creepy but it makes sense!

I love being around different communities.  I was very blessed growing up to fly for free.  This opportunity opened the world up to me and I took advantage of it.  Funny enough, some of the best lessons I learned on diversity came from Denton, Texas.   As a Philosophy major, I had a goodly amount of diversity thrown at me often.   For the first time I was around people who didn't think like I did.  My faith was about to be challenged and I couldn't hide being the only blonde, female, Christian fundamentalist in the class.  God used so many people, books, and ideas to sharpen and challenge me.   The three most wonderful gifts that came from my philosophy classes were Rebecca, Joy, and Jamie.  All three of these ladies hold huge parts of my heart and have for almost 13 years now(can you 3 believe it's been that long???)  I love, love, love them.

Something great that started to stir in me was the desire to serve in my community.  I had been a high school youth leader at my church and loved it but I increasingly wanted to serve outside of the Church.   Over the next fews years, I was able to serve as an after-school camp counselor, teach GED courses in inner city Denton (Cement City), and serve as a "buddy" to people suffering from HIV and AIDS.   During this season, I was serving in the Church but in correlation with these communities.   I was able to meet with the elders at Denton Bible Church and share all that needed to be done in our community.  From those suffering from AIDS to those who needed their GED, I got all the support I needed.  Food drives were thrown,  Christmas presents were bought and distributed, a client's home got re-painted and given a new foundation!   The after-school program got a basketball goal courtesy of the SWEAT Team at DBC.   A close friend of mine who was involved with Wicca fell in love with Jesus!  God was moving in amazing ways and I was able to be apart of it.

I think God allows us to struggle with certain things at certain times for the sole purpose of  keeping us grounded in our need for Him.  I was about to struggle with something that I thought I was way too strong to worry about.

Most people have their first kiss in Elementary school... I was 23.  I know what you're thinking and no, I wasn't home-schooled.  Saying that I was ill-prepared is an understatement.   During this season of serving in my community, I was making new friends.  Most of these friends drank and kissed boys.  I wasn't in the habit of doing either until one night when I got drunk and kissed a boy.  That's a special regret.  I was actually closer to 24 when I had my first kiss and didn't even know the guy's last name.  I felt ashamed but I had bitten the apple and my eyes had been opened.  It was on.  I would go from complete and total guilt to a renewed sense of repentance and God's unbelievable kindness and then back to drinking and occasionally kissing.  I would confess my sin to those who I was serving with in the church but I would turn around and do it again.   Because I kept returning to those behaviors, it became harder and harder to be honest.  It's tough to be honest when you feel like a failure.  Keep in mind that people in my life that had been witches were turning to Jesus.  God was moving and I was acutely aware that it was His power at work because I was really struggling.  I have to say here that the people I served with who knew I was drinking too much and making poor decisions were unbelievably gracious.  They knew my heart loved Jesus, I was just struggling with something that most people had already dealt with.  Kissing rocked!   If I hear any complaints about Denton Bible Church, I hear that it's too legalistic.  I can see that, but I received an insane amount of grace from people at DBC during this time.   My pastor, Tom Nelson, pulled me aside at one point and all I received from him was grace and concern.

That season of my life taught me a lot about my humanity.  I never had much grace or understanding for people who "partied".  I thought that I was above it, but frankly, I was weaker than most.  It's easy to think you're strong when you live in a world of 10 pound weights.  To quote the great St. Augustine: "Complete abstinence is easier than perfect moderation."  And to quote the great Joy Harris, "Without sin we would have never known grace." For the record, I'm not suggesting that kissing is wrong or that drinking is wrong.  I'm saying that my choices to drink too much and to kiss boys (that I didn't have a relationship with) did harm to my heart, mind, and spirit.  Moreover, I was offending my Savior and King whom I love.  This may seem tame to some and outrageous to others.   My heart has been rebellious while supremely active in the Church and that offended my Saviour and King as well.  Being a recovering legalist, I encourage those who are struggling to not get mad at yourself for "doing it again" because you're focusing on yourself which breeds pride and then hardening.  Instead, go to the cross, apologize, and walk away in His grace.  As my friend Linda Lee shared recently, "I don't have to be perfect to be considered 'walking with the Lord'.  He has lessons for me to learn in each step I take towards Him."  Such wise words that I need to remember.    Don't be too shocked when you screw up.  Get over yourself and go to the cross; it's humbling, but from my experience, it is where freedom begins.

"For it is by grace you have been saved through faith and this is not of yourself but is the gift of God and not by works that no one may boast."
Ephesians 2: 8,9


A few other TX/TN differences :

TX- "That was a great dinner."

TN-"Those were some good groceries."

TX- "I had to take my sister into town today."
TN -"I had to carry my sister into town today."

TX-"How cute is that!"

TN- "That's right cute!"

Sniffin' glue

I always have a good time when I go to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) but the activities usually aren't up my alley.   The last class was interesting because it was on self-defense, but the next class is on "Clippin' Coupons".  I'm really not trying to be a jerk but...really?  Coupons?  Do I need to start sniffing glue before I go?  I know that it's important  to save money but I just want to hang out and talk.  I've been so pleasantly surprised at how great everyone is and I even made a friend!  Instead of thinking about how unfun it is to discuss coupons, I'll think, I get to laugh with my friend!!!   I should probably pack some glue just in case.

I realized that my new friend was pretty cool when I accidently said the "f" word in front of her (and a few other MOPS) and she didn't run off and hide under the tables (as per usual).   I've got a few rough edges but my language actually isn't my biggest concern.  My heart and mind are where I need help.  Goal #1: To only use the "f"word at church functions with home-makers when absolutely necessary.                     SELF-CONTROL!!! AWESOME!!! (prayer cheer)

The reason I started blogging was because I've experienced being the Christian who was always in church and the Christian who wanted to tell other Christians to piss off.   I've learned a lot being in both camps and I'm grateful to have started walking in a little more grace lately.  From my experience, people who are active in church might very well just be that, active.  What about the believer who hasn't been "active" in church but has seen dark days and has come so close to punting the faith but stuck it out and trusted even though they were scared, angry, and hurt?   What about the believer whose prayer life looks like screaming at God while knowing He is the only hope?  Now, imagine that believer going to a bible study with active church-goers who may have never been in a place of spiritual desperation.  God could use that believer so mightily!

What I'm suggesting is that the person who hasn't been the "perfect", church attending Christian has so much to give!   The reality is, we all need work!   I need to be kind and loving to the sugary sweet Southern belle in church (everywhere) who I want to punch in the neck because she seems completely fake.  I need to get over my ego that thinks that because I use expletives that I'm somehow more authentic than she is.  The Southern belle, whose been in church her whole life, might need to deal with areas of manipulation and judgement.  We all need the Lord and we all need work.

So, for those of you who have put your faith is Jesus Christ but won't set foot in a church, for whatever reason, get thee to church! Those church-goers need you!!  They need to see the power of Christ and God wants to use you to show them that power.  I understand if you're angry or scared - go angry or scared.  The Church is incomplete without you because the Church is a family and you are in that family.   Having recently returned to church,  I'm reminded that God wants His children to love each other.  This can be done by giving a warm smile to someone who looks angry or scared.  I've actually known quit a few angry and scared church folk.  Some of you who aren't going to church need to be that warm smile for someone.   If I see someone sitting alone, I need to invite them to sit with me.   This is called kindness.  The Bible says that it's Christ's kindness that leads to repentance.   This is so fresh to my heart because it's something I battle.  I feel twinges of cynicism often but it's because my focus is in the wrong place.  If my focus starts and stops with people and their behavior, I will constantly be critical and frustrated.  But if I love because "He first loved us"(1 John 4:19), behavior has less to do with the kindness and love that I show.

I know a lot of people have felt judged by others in the Church and I've felt that too but I've actually been given a lot of grace from church folk.   I'm out of time here but I'll share some stuff later that may encourage you.   Listen, we're all jacked up but if I can drop the "f" bomb in a group of predominately home-schooling Christian home-makers and still show my face,  you can get your ass to church.

All love - No judgement - Brannon out

His fault, not mine

I am so bad at blaming my husband for anything that goes wrong.  I may not say it but I'm thinking it.  I was alone last week and opened a ketchup packet that went everywhere.  It took me a good twenty minutes to convince myself that it wasn't my husband's fault.  He wasn't even in the car!  Evan puts up with a lot.   I'll be thinking about something and finish the thought out-loud and then expect him to know what the heck I'm talking about.  When he looks at me like I have an arm growing out of my forehead I get irritated because he clearly wasn't listening.  Here is a common scenario:  My sister Angela might send me a text saying "When you coming to Texas?"  I will then look at Evan and say, "I think mid April would be perfect."  This is when the arm begins to grow out of my head.  A common phrase in our home is, "what are we talking about?".   He's also had to learn to speak Ashley.  I tend to confuse my words.   Evan is always asking me where stuff is.   In my head, I'll be telling him to look in his closet for the lost item but if I have recently used the microwave, I'll tell him to look in the microwave.  

Evan- Where are my shoes?

Me -Look in the microwave. 

Evan- What? 

Me- (irritated) You know what I mean!

Evan- So....where?

Me- The closet!!

His fault, not mine.  He should be speaking crazy...I mean Ashley, by now.   My husband and I are perfect together.   We're both stubborn but somehow apologies are made and all is well.  Since Evan and I have returned to church we've had some good conversations about the Lord.    Something that we both really value in people is honesty.  We've been having a continued discussion on honesty and how unity can be born out of it.  We've also been discussing how pastors influence honesty and unity in the Church.  

In the summer of 2001 I lived in Paris.  My friend Whitney was also in France getting school credit for being awesome in France. She was in law school at the time.  She was actually in Strasbourg which is right on the French/ German border.  One weekend, I was able to take a beautiful train ride from Paris to Strasbourg to meet Whit.  She and I, along with some classmates, then took a train through the Black Forrest to Baden Baden, Germany.  Germany is very clean, beautiful, and expensive.

I have so many great memories of sitting in cafes journaling, sipping espresso, and smoking very romantic French cigarettes.  Oh, the romance of it all!  Paris, cafe's, smoking, it was a package deal in my mind.  Little did I know that that "romance" would turn into a hard core habit.  Up until a year and a half ago, I smoked off and on for 8 years.  I would go 6 months without smoking and then something would happen and I would buy a pack of cigarettes.  Well, in the Spring of 2004 I was dealing with a relapse.  My mentor knew about my struggle as did the people I served with at the church but the young lady I discipled didn't know.   One afternoon when she was scheduled to come over, I had had a few cigarettes.  As I prepared for her visit I became incredibly convicted to share my struggle with her.  I didn't want to!!!  I was in a position of authority in the church and I felt like crap already for dealing with this disgusting habit!  I was embarrassed and didn't want to ruin the image she had of me.  By the time she got there,  I knew what I had to do.  With tears rolling down my face, I shared my struggle.  I was so embarrassed and ashamed but Kristen responded with absolute grace and love.  God greatly used that to bless our relationship and our time in His Word.   My ego took a hit but we both learned a lesson in grace that afternoon that still blesses my heart.

When it comes to areas of the heart, discernment is key.  Discernment and blood flow.  I don't think anyone needs to be transparent with everyone regarding everything.   My concern is how fear and pride hold us back from being honest with God and with the Body of Christ.  A congregation follows the lead of their Shepherd.   How would it affect the Church if more pastors were relatable in their struggles?  How would that affect others in leadership? Would we, as believers, be more honest with one another?  Would we be less judgmental and more understanding of one another?   If perfection is expected of our pastors, we need to take another hard look at Scripture.  Our pastors are not perfect.  I'm beginning to think that if more pastors shared appropriate struggle with their congregation, the Church would be challenged in areas of grace, forgiveness, and even idolatry.  I know how easy it is to show greater honor and worship to a pastor than to Jesus Christ.   My whole point revolves around unity in the Church and our absolute NEED for Christ.  Thoughts?

"There is no saint without a past, no sinner without a future."
-St. Augustine 

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed."
James 5:16

Fire Marshal Bill

Being a Mother is so much better than I thought it would be and I thought it would be awesome.  If people saw me interacting with my son during the day they would think I was crazy.  Does anyone remember the Dad in So I married an Axe Murderer?  Well, I like to dance like him in the kitchen.   l also like to talk like Ace Ventura and quote movie lines to my infant child.   My husband and I do the same thing with each other.  Our favorite is imitating Fire Marshal Bill from In Living Color, "LET ME SHOW YA SOMETHING".   There was a day last week when every time my son would cough he would toot at the same time.  I don't care who you are...that's funny.  I made up a song called Coughs and Toots.  Most of the songs I make up involve toots.  He likes broccoli.   My son is the sweetest gift I have ever been given.

The love and joy that I have in my son is doing sweet things in my heart.   My heart has had a difficult time seeing God as a loving Father.   I can imagine Jesus thinking, "what more can I do for her to see that I love her?".  When I was serving in the college ministry at Denton Bible Church, my heart wasn't in a great place.  For the record, the problem wasn't the ministry, it was my heart.   I was exhausted and peace was scarce.   My friend Melissa saw my struggle and was such an encouragement.  She had just read a book called Desiring God by John Piper. Jesus used this book to begin changing my heart.   Piper points to, and writes about Scripture in a way that helped me wrap my head around God's love in a deeper way.

Someone who I believe to be a king of encouragement is my High School Youth Director, Keith Chancey.   I would visit him and his wife, Karen, on occasion after I graduated.  When God started to show me how distant my relationship was with Him,  I started pulling away from ministry. I thought that I needed to quit everything to refocus my focus.  During this period,  Keith discouraged me from quitting everything, but instead, to serve as a leader in the High School ministry.  After praying about it and realizing that a boy I liked was serving there, I decided he was right.  Turns out, he was very, very right.   The relationships that I built while serving in the High School ministry are still special to me.   I became best friends with Whitney Blake on the car ride up to the leadership retreat.  We laughed the whole way and I literally said to her, "Let's be best friends!" and she said "OK!".  That girl has stuck with me through some tough times over the last 11 years;  I'm so thankful for her.    My heart was starting to struggle with the right things and I was surrounded by people who, I felt, loved and understood me.

I hate 4-wheelers

Since my family and I have returned to church I have been reading my Bible more.  Somedays I forget to read but at least I know where it is!  Great success!!   I'm reading Philippians and feel as though I'm reading it with fresh eyes.   One thing I read the other day that has stayed with me is how Paul encouraged the Philippians to refrain from grumbling and disputing.  I thought it was interesting that he pointed to that to show Christlikeness.   Since then I've realized that I complain a lot.  The problem isn't the complaining, it's my heart of impatience and entitlement.

I can see the Lord changing my heart in a few ways.  One way I am changing is how I react to my neighbor who drives a stupid, loud, 4-wheeler.   Any mother will tell you that all rules are off if you wake a sleeping baby.    Luckily my son is a deep sleeper but the kid who lives across the street has woken him up a few times with his stupid, loud, 4-wheeler.  I have come so very, very close to running out my front door with a skillet in one hand (to kill) and the baby monitor in the other screaming like a crazy person.  I've plotted several missions that map out routes to nearby ponds but the Holy Spirit has kept me from highjacking and drowning his Christmas present.   How is God working in my heart?  Well, the 4-wheeler sits unscathed and the kid lives.  That's as good as it gets.

I think patience is one of the toughest areas for me.   I'm incredibly impatient with my computer.  The battery is dead so if the plug comes out it turns off. My dog Cody has a toy chicken and when he wants to play he'll come running at me with it dangling from his mouth and ricochet off my leg.  The problem is, he'll knock the cord out while in ricochet.   I get so frustrated!

My prayer is to have a heart and mind set on gratitude and thanks.  When I hear the 4-wheeler driving down the road I'll take a deep breathe and say a prayer focused on thanks and hopefully this will squish murderous thoughts. With God, all things are possible.  I think a talking-to is in order as well.
In dealing with my computer, I think a new battery is in my future.   In the mean time, if my dog Cody causes it to unplug, I will take a deep breathe and toss his chicken instead.  Yes, you read that correctly.

My heart is continuing to draw nearer to the Lord even though I don't always spend time in His Word and want to steal Christmas presents from children. Thoughts?